Is independence still independence if it's learned, not known?

Women come into this world weak as kittens & malleable as putty.

At least, that's what rows upon rows of fiction claim. I'm not talking about the obviously subordinate & fragile ladies, with their egos of porcelain & backbones of glass. No, this is about the women who've tricked us.

Recently, I've consumed a vat of fiction centered on strong, independent, intelligent women. But something kept itching at the back of my own intelligent female skull. Finally, The Point managed to ply open my closeted mind using an article by the fabulous Bitch magazine questioning Stieg Larsson's universally accepted title of feminist. Although I do in fact believe Larsson to have been a feminist, this helped to section off the issue I have with a long line-up of strong female characters: They require obstacles, oppression & tragedy before they manage to transform from house cats to lionesses.

Strong fictional men generally grab their internal strength as embryos, embracing independence & wit from within long before they come up against external problems. But the vagina-clad equivalent almost without exception requires some major backlash before she casts off her shell of virginity (or her good girl act, or her innocence, or her femininity, or whatever the story calls for) & instead dons armor made of talent, perseverance & autonomy.

Beyond Lizbeth Salander, other recent excursions into weak-turned-strong women include Dolores Price from the young adult novel She's Come Undone, by Wally Lamb. A book about a woman overcoming all odds, Dolores only becomes a healthy, well-adjusted & self-assured woman after her parents divorce, her mom goes to a mental institution, her father abandons her, she's raped, she becomes obese, she's the victim of bullying, she goes to a mental institution & she marries a sleaze who undermines her.

In a more recently popular example, Nina in Black Swan only breaks from her childhood trappings of pink walls & music boxes when she absolutely must for the sake of her career. She cannot become the Black Swan -- say what you will about her morality, but that Swan had spunk & absolute sovereignty over herself & her life -- until she's overcome herself, her mother, her predecessor, her competitor & her director, in aggressively gory succession.

Possibly, my vision has become limited in that lens of "feminism," but example after example keeps waving at me daintily (princess-style, you know, with the cupped palm) from the recesses of my mind -- The Clan of the Cave Bear series, Grease, Ferngully, The Princess Diaries, & on & on. Of course, many organically powerful fictional women exist as well, such as my personal favorite, Philip Pullman's Lyra Belacqua of His Dark Materials. On the other side of the gender-equality chasm, many thoroughly vapid, one-dimensional females hide in crannies of our entertainment too. Entertainment requires various roles to properly caress our imaginations -- but why do so many women require lessons in the difficulty of life before they effectively embrace self-assurance & tenacity?


Theory: Women use external oppositions to evolve internally. In other words, we over-think everything. These fictional women use each obstacle to gain just a smidgen more perspective on their issues, slowly building the esteem necessary to become newly self-reliant characters.

& looking back on the past 533 words of over-analysis, it seems this theory successfully stands the test of personal application.

5 Life Lessons from Neil Patrick Harris

1. Everyone looks better in a suit.

2. Your scent determines if you even get a chance to make a first impression. (Betchu Neil went to his Doogie Howser audition reeking of Old Spice.)

3. Shoes give the wearer magical powers. (That's why I stockpile them.)

4. If you're not famous, just make a memorable entrance -- instant fame. (Or, get on the Internet. It's not like there's already too much junk out there, anyway; of COURSE you'll become noticed & renowned immediately!)

5. If you're willing to click anything on the Internet, you deserve to be a subject of comedy.

Oct. 22:
@ActuallyNPH  Baby Pic! Here's our son: Well, sort of. Not his face, but his diaper. His poo has changed both color AND texture: http://www.yfrog.com/b92ohcj 

Those boys who call Tina Fey "hott."

This post does not question Tina Fey's attraction level. This post pigeonholes the males who do.

To start at the beginning: The Beau & I went to Best Buy the other week, shopping like any good American couple does on a daily basis. I've always experienced exceptional customer service at every Best Buy I've graced with my money, so I wasn't the least surprised when a corporate peon attached itself to us with generic questions like, "Are you folks finding everything okay?" & "Let me help you find the model which fits your needs." The surprise seeped in when it -- for readability, let's name it "Willard" -- decided we were personal friends on this crazy journey called life. When he found out the Beau is an actor & filmmaker, he tried to convince us of his own artistic merit, with such little success that I can't even recall his accomplishments now, a few short weeks later.

As our attentions began to slip & we discussed the purchase amongst ourselves (the two of ourselves), Willard initially ignored our disinterest, continuing to engage in conversation with the TV screens & computer monitors around us (WE certainly weren't listening). Eventually, he tried to gain our trust with a comment directed to Beau: "I know you have to get The Girlfriend's approval" -- quick break to wink & grin at the objectified Girlfriend in question -- "but we all know THIS monitor's best for your purposes."

Now, Willard made the amateur assumption of presuming to know us. We are a couple, & we were now his personal friends, so we must fit the expectations of Couplehood he'd created through years of TV-watching and failed relationships. Unfortunately, we are not the traditional couple -- he's an actor & I'm a writer, wouldn't that tip any normal human off? -- so his slip prepared me to dismiss him as a stereotype first chance I got.

That chance strolled around the bend, smoking a cigarette & eyeballing ladies' behinds almost immediately.

With no help or encouragement from either Beau or myself, Willard started talking about Tina Fey.

"I think Tina Fey's hott," he said. "I mean, I know most people think she's ugly & gross. But I like that kind of girl. She gets me hott."

This statement allowed me to typecast Willard as "One of Those Boys Who Call Tina Fey Hott." He's not the first, nor will he be the last, I'm sure. Tina Fey is a comedian. She's a screenwriter, an actor, a producer and an all-around powerful persona. She's intimidating as all get-out, which is emasculating as all get-out (or so I hear from my opposite-gendered friends).

A specific type of male feels power in the act of patronizing powerful women. He assumes since she's skilled at more than just pushing her breasts together & painting her face, she's not a standard of beauty. Because Tina Fey often presents ridiculous facial expressions for her character Liz Lemon on the show 30 Rock (which she also writes & produces, by the way), Willard defines Fey as Lemon. The two are equivalent in his head. He thinks of Tina Fey as:

Although more often than not, Tina Fey looks like:

Because Willard sees a funny, weird, unattractive woman when he thinks of Tina Fey, he believes it gives him indie cred to find her attractive. Anyone can find Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johansson unbearably appealing, but if you think the quirky girl's a catch, then you've got smarts. Willard's type is the artistic crowd's equivalent of a Scrub -- the cowards who catcall out of truck windows & whistle at strangers, even strangers in sweatpants. They think they're doing the woman a favor by acknowledging she makes them lustful & foolhardy; they think they're proving their manhood by putting it on display.

For the record, Willard, I find Johnny Depp hott. That should make you like me more, because he plays funky, quirky, oddball characters who don't bathe, & People's magazine has never voted him Sexiest Man Alive.

Rapunzel revives ghosts of princesses past

An animated apocalypse waits around the corner: Disney aims to break from princesses. But the shimmering dresses & typical tiaras went out with a THX “Bang!” Their last princess film, Tangled, pays homage to Rapunzel’s predecessors, showing definitive scenes and snide insinuations which remind us of our favorite childhood crowns.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

Tangled displays alternative families as unacceptable again, retraining the Evil Stepmother stereotype to fit the mold of the Evil Fake Mother. Mother Gothel represents every shred of negativity from the potential perspective of an embittered daughter. When Mother Gothel (voiced by Donna Murphy) leaves to gather Rapunzel’s birthday present, she puts ripe apples in a basket and wears a cape with a hood, reminiscent of the disguise the Queen uses to trick Snow White. & the grandiose oval mirror Mother looks into as she belittles Rapunzel recalls the Queen’s magic mirror.

Cinderella (1950)

The obvious Cinderella similarity would be – can you guess? – cleaning house. As Rapunzel (voiced by Mandy Moore -- once a Disney star, always a Disney star) sings “When Will My Life Begin,” she explains her daily routine: “start on the chores and sweep 'til the floor's all clean/Polish and wax, do laundry, and mop and shine up.” Of course, the difference lies in the rest of their days. Cinderella’s entire day consists of cleaning, as per her role of servant; Rapunzel, our Renaissance princess, only cleans from 7 till 7:15am, and then reads, knits, paints, climbs and enjoys all manner of other hobbies. Cinderella’s enslaved to servitude; Rapunzel’s enslaved to anonymity.

The Little Mermaid (1989)

Tangled harkens back to our original princess with a magical secret, Ariel, during the protagonist’s first kiss attempt. As Flynn and Rapunzel share a magical moment (accompanied by song, of course – this is Disney) in a rowboat on the water, they fall into each others’ eyes, realizing their love, and just as they prepare for a kiss – girl’s eyes close, both start to pucker – the villain’s twin sidekicks happen on the scene, tapping the intimacy out of the moment like ashes falling from a cigarette butt. Sound familiar?

Beauty and the Beast (1991)

When Rapunzel first leaves her tower, she swirls in the aromas of grass and dirt, embracing the earth as she looks up to see a dandelion’s seeds floating away from its stem – almost an exact replica of Belle’s dandelion scene on the hillside.

Another comparison can be drawn between Rapunzel’s first meeting with Flynn Rider and Belle’s first meeting with the Beast, with reversed gender roles.  Rapunzel slinks out of the darkness, holding her frying pan menacingly; the Beast shows himself to Belle the same way, walking out from the darkness until his horrific form is in full light. Tangled certainly makes fun of the situation’s gravity – Flynn’s entirely at a dangerous stranger’s whim, just as Belle was, but instead of responding in terror and resignation, he responds with flirtation and anticipation. Patronizing female abusers while deifying male abusers? A whole  new conversation. (Overacting, for the adults'/parents' humor benefits, pervades this film -- & I enthusiastically, with jaw dropped, grin strong & arms waving, thank Disney.)

Aladdin (1992)

Flynn Rider learned his moves from Aladdin. When we first meet the dashing love interest, he’s jumping from building to building like he’s a character in Assassin’s Creed. His parkour moves, his thievery and his charm links back to our favorite street thief. Flynn’s knavish smile even reminds us of Aladdin’s dashing grin.

In addition, they used the exact phrase “it’s crystal clear” in the lyrics for both films’ romantic ballad: Aladdin’s “A Whole New World” and Tangled’s “I See the Light.”

Of course, there’s still Sleeping Beauty (1959), Pocahontas (1995), Mulan (1998) and recent debut The Princess and the Frog (2010) to search for amidst the CGI adventures of Tangled. Apparently, my eye requires a second Tangled viewing.

Gamer Bonus

Weapon of choice. Frying pan. Princess Peach. Right down to the pink dress with white arms.

Nerd Bonus - Spoiler!

Good guys triumph over bad guys – not much of a spoiler, but the warning must be made for good form. During Mother’s final death throes, she pulls her black hood over her head, wails her terrible death rattle and tumbles out of the tower’s window in a cartoonish simulation of the Emperor’s death in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.